My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out