Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.