I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.