[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
This is always good for a laugh.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
me and who
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.