I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”