“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.