“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You Might Also Like
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
All is fair in drunk and war.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*