*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Best mom ever 😂
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.