I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.