Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Saw online –
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks