Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
so i’m at the stock market right
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.