Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Finally
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla