Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.