Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
pizza
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
meow
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.