If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
thank god the sign was there
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining