Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.