Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.