[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.