Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month