[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Happy Febuary everyone!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener