For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Van Gone
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…