Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.