I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Based Erika
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.