My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.