If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.