Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”