2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
You Might Also Like
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
be careful
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
A classic…
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”