I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”