“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.