It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this