Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?