My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
i was baptized in a car wash
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.