Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”