I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Hank is one in a melon.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.