“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.