If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal