HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
How dramatic are you?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.