May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.