Me recordaron éste meme
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i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.