“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“The Perfect Relationship”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”