Jesus steals the winter solstice
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
eggs benadryl
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.