T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?