Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Dead sexy!!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Taco Bell, Exit 22
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.