THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
You Might Also Like
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea