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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger