I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.