Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
But is it really??
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.