[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey