You Might Also Like
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.