[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
You Might Also Like
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Herpes is trending, good job people
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: